I live and drive in Southern California, and for what it's worth, I can tolerate my fair share of traffic jams, rude people, and random accidents for no reason, but I think that much of this is the result of an ignorant public. So, to see if I can't help educate at least one person, here are a couple of tips that I have learned about driving over the years.
Now, before you just pass this up, thinking you know it all - just take a read. If you learn something, then it's all worth it. If you don't, then feel free to laugh at me, and publicly scorn me.
• Pretty much anywhere you go, passing on the right is illegal. It doesn't matter if you think you are more important than the people in the long line waiting to make a left hand turn or not. Actually, that line is probably that long because of your douchebag bretheren that thought they were not only more important than the people in that line, but more important than you. And because they beat you to the punch, your idiotic driving patterns are just a sad excuse for second place, because no matter how hard you try, there will always be someone more douchey than you. Come to think of it, about every third driver is King douche, so your failed attempts just make you look that much more pathetic. Why not turn it around, and see how NICE you can be. See if you can manage to NOT fail at that.
• If you drive a pickup truck, an SUV, a giant monster truck, or even a large sedan, and you're the kind of tool that has to be first to take off from the light, to beat everyone else to next red light (especially when you can see that it is red), you don't get to complain about gas prices. The funny thing is.. me, just poking along as I do from one light to the next red one, I'm still right next to you - you've gained NOTHING.
• I see you driving by, complaining about me going the speed limit, and as you pass, all of the possible alerts, red lights, and your check engine light are as bright as can be. I'm willing to bet there's something wrong with your car. Have it checked out. Most parts stores will read your error codes for free so you can figure out what's wrong. Take your car somewhere and have it fixed. If you can't afford it, buy someone a case of beer to fix it. Your car will run better. You will get more mileage out of your fuel, and you will increase the life of your car.
• When one of your headlights goes out - replace it. Turning your brights on doesn't do anything for you but make it MORE obvious that you failed vehicle maintenance 101. Even if you just had your hurr did, and your nails done, it's not difficult, or tricky. And I'll tell you - you might just feel good about yourself for being able to do something so "complicated". And I'm sure if your polish is still drying, you can wink at the guy (or girl) behind the counter at the auto parts store to have them help you out. But do this. If not for you, then for me - because when you tailgate me with your high beams on, it makes me want to go slower, and GET in your way. And yes, I am pig-headed enough to presume that if you are doing this, your are a girl, because you're pig-headed enough to do this.
• Go ahead, drive as fast as you can - faster even, than you are capable of maintaining vehicle control. I'm sure you get so much from it. Trust me - I understand the joys of a bit of spirited driving, but realize that you do have to share the road with everyone else that's out there. I was young and dumb once too, and I've done my fair share of stupid crap in a car, but recently, I've run a series of tests:
I drove my commute like a crazed maniac for months, trying to eek out every extra second that I could from my day. I got nothing out of it. Nothing. In fact, it cost me a lot more than I thought it would. I've tracked my fuel mileage in my car from the time I got it with 8 miles on the clock, and a full tank from the dealer. I've gotten all kinds of mileage - my low is 17.055mpg, and my high is 30.873mpg - averaging 22.643mpg over the 156551 miles that I've driven it. I've done everything I can think of to get better mileage, to save money, to make my tank last longer, to drive more efficiently. It struck me one day when a friend mentioned his improved mileage from driving 55mph, that no matter what I did - my commute still took the same amount of time. So I tried something. I drove at 55mph. No faster, no slower. I went from getting 21mpg on a good day, to getting nearly 35mpg on my freeway trips (though this number falls with street driving, which is why I'm not getting 35mpg tanks) - and you'd think that this would soak up all of the extra time that I didn't have before, but no. When I drive during off-peak hours, it takes me a whole four minutes extra. Four minutes. During peak traffic times, rush hour and the like, it takes EXACTLY the same amount of time. I've tried taking streets, different streets, other streets, different freeway routes, and a combination of both - and NOTHING is more effective than driving 55mph.
Now, don't get me wrong - driving 55mph might not work for everyone - your number might be... 56mph. But try for yourself. I'll bet you'd be amazed by how much money you can save, and how little frustration you will have at the end of a commute, and how much wear and tear you are saving on your car.
• Every single freeway onramp that I have ever seen, and every single freeway offramp that I have ever seen gives you sufficient room to get up to freeway speed, or decelerate to street speed within the confines of the onramp or offramp. So, by the time you get to the point where you are signaling, checking your mirrors, trying to merge onto the freeway, you should be going freeway speed. None of this, I'm going 30 miles per hour, and move out of my way because I can't be bothered to turn my head, or look in the mirror, get out of my way because I am better than you and I am going to get into the carpool lane stuff. No, accelerate to freeway speed, and merge - one lane at a time, and zipper in where there is room just like a normal person. And slowing down in the slow lane to 30 miles an hour to exit the freeway is just as ridiculous. You have the entire freeway offramp to be able to slow down. There's room.
• I drive with a small gap in front of me. When there is traffic, especially. That gap is a certain size for a reason. I know my ability, my reaction time, and what I am carrying in my car, or in my head, and that gap is custom sized just for me. It gives me enough room to be able to come to a complete stop, should the vehicle in front of me stop suddenly, and it is there for me to avoid getting into an accident. Behind me, however, you will notice that there is usually lots and lots of room. LOTS of room. My gap matching the bumper-to-bumper dimensions of your car to the quarter of an inch is not a personal challenge to you to see if you can wedge your way in there - lift off the gas, breathe for just a half of a second, and slide in behind me hassle free. It takes nothing from your precious schedule, it actually takes less concentration, and causes less stress. Just slip right in there right behind me, and proceed to do what you were going to do.
• Freeway signs in California are abundant. They tell you where you are, and what's coming up next, and how far away things are. They will tell you how far away from a particular street, freeway, even city is. They tell you what freeway you are on (which you should know anyway), and even what cities you can be transported to by changing your current travel venue to a different freeway. The thing is, they do this MILES in advance. MILES! Be prepared. If you miss your exit, there's a thing about exits in large cities - there's always another one. If you don't plan ahead, and you miss your exit, it's okay, you can find your way to your intended destination. But there is no reason to cause an accident, shove your way in, stop traffic in an adjacent lane, waiting for pity from someone to let you in. And on that - if you intentionally delay merging because there is less traffic in lanes not adjacent to an exit, or you are in the exit for another freeway because it flows better, and then you want to stop traffic, and shove your way back onto the main freeway so you can cut 30 seconds out of your commute... no. Just keep right on driving on the wrong freeway and take the long road home, because now, I'm going to make SURE that your car doesn't fit in the gap in front of me, and I will in fact be rude to you, because you mistakenly think that your time is more important than mine.
• We are all familiar with zippers, yes? Perhaps you prefer buttons because of a childhood accident, or whatever, but certainly you're familiar with the concept? The 'slide' is only wide enough for one 'lane' of the hooks to pass through it - much like merging lanes on the freeway. One side goes, and then the other. When two teeth try to go through at the same time, something bad happens - much like merging lanes on the freeway. You notice the trend? The difference, is that zippers don't have the free will to become douchebags, and you do. So, chill out, alternate merging sides, and you'll be on your way shortly.
• On that note, merging, I notice is always a problem. Everyone does everything they inconsiderately can to move on up the line, and gain three car lengths to get ahead. Congratulations, you have gained approximately a second and a half. Way to go. And in the process, you've managed to nearly cause seventeen accidents, and upset a gaggle of other drivers. And for what - a second and a half? You know what - try this, the next time you're on the freeway. Because you have your cellphone in your hand anyway, find the stopwatch app, and time yourself being a complete tool one day, and being a kind, courteous, considerate driver the next day. I'd be willing to bet that if you don't gain time being considerate, you at least break even.
• Occasionally, the city planners, or maintenance crews, or CalTrans will come along, and change something up on you. This might be good for a mild surprise now and then, but really - on your daily commute, if you've been doing it for two or three weeks, there really shouldn't be anything at all that surprises you. Certainly nothing worth slamming on your brakes over. If you've been doing the same commute for a year or more, you should about be able to do it in your sleep - I see people that I think ARE, but that's another thing. But really, even if you're half-paying attention to the fact that you are in control of a rather heavy automobile, you can see things before they happen. I know that you're not going to look over your shoulder, and not see me before you merge into my fender. I see the semi-truck up 200 yards with a blown tire, and he's about to lose the carcass... wait for it... wait for it... and there's all of the brake lights, people freaking out - out of their minds - don't know what to do, where to go, or how to do anything other than implode from indecision. I see you talking on your cell phone, not minding that the road is going one direction, and you in another. I have to account for that. Also, for those of you that have absolutely no idea, after days, weeks, month or years of traveling the same road, that after you merge onto one freeway from another, you can't actually enter the carpool lane for another four miles, yet choose to cut off four lanes of traffic as you make a B-line for the fast lane. You've accomplished nothing, you selfish nit, and you're going to be stuck in the same traffic as the rest of us for another four miles because you can't enter the carpool lane yet. The same lanes are here today that were there yesterday, and the day, week, month before. They'll be the same tomorrow, and no, they still didn't add a lane just for you. But there is no reason you should be surprised by anything that happens on the road. Just relax, and drive.
I'm just sayin'
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